What is disordered eating? Well, a quick google search comes up with "Disordered eating describes a variety of abnormal eating behaviors that, by themselves, do not warrant diagnosis of an eating disorder. Disordered eating includes behaviors that are common features of eating disorders, such as: Chronic restrained eating. Compulsive eating. Binge eating, with associated loss of control."
But the truth is, disordered eating is a mentally and physically exhausting way of looking at what goes in (and sorry, out) of your body at any given time. So why am I writing about this? Well, because I have wanted to for months, as this is something I am still struggling with - but just couldn't find the courage, or fight the embarrassment.
Almost everyone that knows me knows that I have lost significant amount of weight over the last 5 or so years. For the most part, this has been done in a healthy way - eating right, exercising, etc. This is something I am tremendously proud of, and share it with anyone and everyone I meet. I do this, because not only does it motivate me to keep going, but I also hope to inspire others with my story. What most people don't know, actually there are only a handful of people who do know, is that in the past year I have suffered from disordered eating. While I don't have any of the physical signs - my battle has been truly mental.
This is not easy for me to admit, and I can remember the denial I felt the first time a professional used those words to describe my habits. Hell, I didn't even know why I was there... I booked the appointment after a family member voiced some concerns. You see, I like to think that my lifestyle changes have all been as healthy as can be, and for the better. But, I, like many other people, analyze every single thing that I put into my mouth. I can generally accurately estimate the amount of calories in a single food or drink (I don't even count calories!!) and plan out my day to the closest macros. I know what some of you are thinking: why is that a bad thing - if it helps you stay on track ? ... and that's how I thought too, or still think, most days.
The truth is, I am slowly learning that it is not normal to feel guilty about what you eat and drink. It is not normal to beat yourself up over one fry or a milkshake every once and a while. It is not normal to be anxious to go out with your friends because you're afraid of what they will think of what you order (my friends never openly judged me, this was a scenario I made up in my head - also, if your friends judge you on your burger, or your full-fat latte, get new friends, that's not okay). Just because these things are not normal, does not mean they're not real feelings and strong ones, at that.
The truth is, I am still following a nutrition plan. And is that a problem? Not in the slightest. The problem is not allowing myself the self-compassion and forgiveness when I slip-up. This is something I am constantly working at. I am lucky to have the support of some great friends, who know just how much this effects my daily life - my daily thinking pattern.
So why am I writing this now? Because over the holidays, for the first time in a while, these feelings came back full swing. I was out of my routine, both with work-outs and food, and felt terrible about myself. I had this idea in my head that I had gained copious amounts of weight, and that I was undoing all my progress thus far. I imagined that all my clothes were suddenly too tight and that everyone around me was judging every single thing I ate/drank. Well, let me tell you, this was so far from the truth... Honestly, because I have been maintaining this lifestyle for so long, I actually only gained one pound (not the ten I had imagined) which was quickly lost as soon as my re-found my routine. I will. hopefully, once again, be saying goodbye to the scale this year - however, right now, I am still learning how to be nice to myself.
This was extremely hard to write, and even harder to post. Of all the things I am proud of that I have done, this is something that still makes me feel embarrassed/ashamed to talk about. And I know it shouldn't, but it does - and that's my reality. Right now, I am truly focusing on the idea that overall balance, an the ability to forgive slip-ups, are my personal priorities.
*Please note: eating disorders/disordered eating are mental health concerns and should be addressed by a professional to avoid further harm to your body/mind. Please seek professional help if any of this sounds too familiar - you won't regret it.
